10.16.10 – Five Reasons to Buy a Date With Jason Bellamy: A Case Study of Cute Hippies and Their Place in the Virtual World
“Five Reasons to Buy a Date With Jason Bellamy: A Case Study of Cute Hippies and Their Place in the Virtual World”
A Jason Bellamy Production
SO, okay, I’m not like a ~vain dude or whatever, mostly because I’m too awkward to start the kinds of conversations that would end in ‘oh my God Jason you are just the foxiest thing alive/fox-Fox pun/I can’t even look at you, that’s how cute you are right now’, BUT, I am remembering the last time I sold my body and I’m sorry, but LISTEN, I am worth a lot, okay? So, because I’m really civic-minded and all about the charity and stuff, I’ve done the necessary research to build you all a compelling case for Why You Should Want to Take Me Out:
We are Foxes!
1. I’m married. Okay, so, maybe this isn’t something that necessarily sounds like something you want to get on, because I can’t even dole out the sloppy drunken smooches (but this is mostly because I don’t drink, not because of the marriage deal because hi, I’m a free bitch and Tobyfox is probably a swinger or something), but me being married should totally sweeten the deal for you. Why? Well, it shows that I can commit, because I’m commited FOR LIFE to this one thing, but think about what that means for our date – for the whole time you’re with me, I will be literally ALL ABOUT YOU, which means I’ll carry your purse/murse/handbag (because though I am mostly not a fan of the penis, this date is going to be totally sexless either way, so hey! I am open to any and all gender presentations) and probably I’ll also pay for dinner! DISCLAIMER: I’m aware this date might not actually involve a dinner, but if it doesn’t, I will totally bring you a granola bar in my own murse. BASICALLY, what you need to take from this is BECAUSE I’m married, I’m good at being considerate and kind and totally freaking whipped. NEXT.
Look, mostly shirtless!
2. I’m a nudist. This doesn’t need a whole lot of explaining, because hey, the thrall here is that I am totally naked a good chunk of the time, so unless we end up going to like Frou Frou Von Pricey-Chic’s House of Solid Gold Flapjacks, we can totally be naked together! It won’t even be sexy, BUT IT COULD BE* The thing that you should take from this on a deeper level~ is that you can be totally free and easy in my company SO no fancy dress/makeup/grooming/manscaping of any kind required for An Evening With Jason Bellamy – we’ll be naturalists and we’ll like it and everyone will feel so relaxed that it will be almost stressful! Which brings me into my next point -
Obviously enjoying some herbal. Obviously.
3. I have been known to enjoy the herbal. WITHOUT GOING INTO DETAIL, because this is a very, very public forum and I still sort of want to pretend like my grandma wasn’t at my wedding therefore didn’t get to experience how fantastically herbaled out all my interactions with my peers/not my peers/my family/my life-partner~ are. Also, you know, the herbal under many other names is still sort of slightly scandalous in our North American society, SO to quickly summarize: 1. I have it. 2. I use it regularly. 3. I share so, so much. And I will share with you!
I drew the design but did not in fact paint it onto my own chest, I fail.
4. I’m too artsy to even exist, basically, which includes but is not limited to my passion for fashion~, my thing for randomly slapping paint on stuff, and you know, that like acting thing I do sometimes? Basically, if you haven’t experienced any of my fashion, you are missing out, but you also need to know that I make my own clothes, and I can make you some too! You will be so fierced out by the time you finish with me, because I will literally KNIT YOU A PONCHO with homespun wool (not spun by me, but one of my arsty art-school friends because we work in a fair trade economy with each other and I get the wool while she gets my homemade wine). If that’s not your bag, I have recently gotten into BODY PAINTING SLASH PHOTOGRAPHY, so we can work out something that combines both the nudity and my love of the painting and my love of the herbal and my love of cameras and you will leave feeling SO CREATIVE. FINALLY, if that doesn’t work for you, I AM AN ACTOR, which means that if all my personality traits are too crappy for you to even live with, you can send me a short character description a couple of days in advance and I will TOTALLY TAILOR MYSELF to suit your needs.
If you don't buy me, I'll get sent back to the pound!
5. Finally, I’m super cute and I think everyone else is cute also, so I’m already amped to go where I go with whoever I end up with, but what you need to remember about me is that I am actually SUPER INTO CHARITY, so. Vanity or whatever aside, I just really, really want to make sure that I’ve done everything possible to get as big of a donation possible for as many charities possible because seriously, we can afford to dig deep.
SO. If you got through this and don’t want to date me or like, steal me away from my husband and make me live in your pocket, wtf. I don’t even know what to say to that, except SAD PUPPY EYES, I HAVE THEM. (See above).
* but it won’t because of the married thing, HOWEVER, I totally won’t even try to stop you from ogling my sexy, sexy bod if you so choose~
[OOC: He's not actually talking about 1. His Band! 2. His Music! And all reference to ~time to pretend are just hilariously random references to Indie Rokkers, obviously!]